|Amanpreet was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.|
listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed Amanpreet, "just one?
And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!!" Amanpreet exclaims,
|These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. The first guy asks
the second guy, "How have things been going?"|
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I was almost
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Yes, I went
to a doctor and he told me that if I speak slowly I will not stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and then
asks again about how he was almost married.
"Well my fiancée and I were sitting on her porch and the dog was scratching
his back and I told her that when we are married she can do that for me and she threw the ring in my face."
she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"Well I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked
at the dog, he was licking his balls!"
|Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called
a racist? |
|A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his
records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in
the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."|
goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
|W man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.".
. .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled
it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.|
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up
the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular. . . ," she replied.
great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
|A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.|
a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
|A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" |
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled
off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out
of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?"
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!
|Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last
couple of months?"|
The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail."
The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were
you in jail?"
He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes
up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."
1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"
2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered,
I admitted to it."
|Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder and lightning. |
Husband: "Honey, what have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
"Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
Look @ these jokes:
|Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might
have to kiss tomorrow... |
|A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a
doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. |
watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street,
walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a
good solid long ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what,
my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
|What did Princess Di die of?|
|Why did Elton John take his boyfriend to the funeral?|
So that at least ONE old queen would
be seen crying!
|What do Newzealanders call a sheep in there back yard?|
A ride on lawn-mower
|What do you call a blonde with pigtails?|
A blow-job with handle bars.
|What do sex and bank have in common?|
You put it in and take it out, then you loose interest.
|Why do women have belly buttons?|
It's a place to put your gum on the way down
|What's the definition of confusion?|
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
|What is the difference between a refrigerator and a homosexual?|
The refrigerator doesn't
fart when you take the meat out.
|One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque
that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."|
"Good morning pastor" replied
the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people
who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's
voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
|A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
|What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? |
A sex-change operation.
|Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? |
She's withholding evidence!
|A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he precede
his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.|
His friend looked at him and
said, "that's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
|At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the alter wearing a beautiful dress.
As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter dress?" |
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, " Yes. And my Mom says
it's a bitch to iron."
|A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There
was nothin in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35."|
decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with
2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door
and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
|A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she became pregnant and they didn't know what
to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate
gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby
to him and tell him it was a miracle."|
"Do you think it will work ? " she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try,"
he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest
and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What ?" asked the priest, "What happened?"
birth to a child ", replied the doctor.
"But that's impossible!", said the stunned priest.
"I just did the operation,"
insists the doctor. "It's a miracle ! Here's your baby."
Fifteen years has gone by, and the priest realizes that he
must tell his son the truth. One day he sits with the boy and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. This is very difficult
and I don't know where to start. Here goes.....I'm not your father."
Puzzled the son says, "What do you mean, you're
not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
|There once was this little boy, He was sitting on the steps of a church, and he was squishing
ants with his thumb, saying " I hate those fucking ants, I hate those fucking ants". Just then a minister came out and saw
the boy, and replied ants are one of gods creatures what are you doing?|
The boy replies there is no reason for ant's.
The minister tells the boy that everything god has put here, he has put here for a reason. He then tells the boy to go home
and try to think of three things that god has put here for no reason.
So the following day the minister comes out of
the church and finds the boy sitting on the steps squashing ants saying "I hate those fucking ant's I hate those fucking ants."
minister goes up to the boy and asks if he had done what he asked. The boy replies "Dicks on priests, tits on nuns, and these
|The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her
desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this brick.|
The first kid said "I think
about my dad. He is a construction worker."
Another said "I think about our new house."
Then the teacher thought
"Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?"
So she said "Johnny, what
do you think about when you see this brick?"
Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked chicks!"
The teacher was horrified "But why, Johnny? Why?
This is a brick!" So Johnny said "But that's what I always
Yo Mama Jokes Index
Great vids. , great fun!